29 May 2017

544: Decade with Desteni - Transcending Laziness

Looking back on the years of self-writing, and blogging, I see a particular pattern wherein I am reflecting a lot on resistances I experience within my day to day living. I am still working with, and walking through a pattern of laziness, or not wanting to do this or that, and wanting to instead just entertain myself, have fun, or relax. And I wondered if this is something others relate to, or if it's kind of 'out there' in terms of it being unusual to hear about someone resisting simply LIVING and moving, and walking through their day, getting things done.

Then I look at some people in my family, like my mother, and my aunt, or a long-time family friend who are very self-motivated to do what needs to be done in a day - like cleaning the house, or doing little projects here and there - always moving themselves physically. These were the examples I had growing up, yet for me - I felt very much the opposite in what I saw in them. I didn't want to do it - I didn't want to do anything. I would do what I absolutely had to - but anything more, nah. That was my motto.

This is what I've been walking these past 7 years - reflecting on who I am throughout my day, questioning my nature, asking why do I do what I do, and why don't I do what I don't. What motivates me, drives me, influences me? How do I make the decisions I make? This I never did much of before coming across Desteni.

Desteni is celebrating a Decade since first 'going live' online - and I will tell you, how grateful I am for the life-line I found in them.

Before Desteni - I never questioned my behavior. I simply accepted it, even if it was shitty. I may have struggled with it, and created consequences for myself, but I never dreamed of the practical changes that one could make, that I found through the support of Desteni. I never considered in seeing behavior or thoughts of myself that I wanted to change - that there was an actual step by step way to physically, practically do it... that it wasn't based on an idea, but about real change.

I am more pro-active in my life now then I ever was, and I know that is because of walking this Desteni Process. Applying self-honesty, and self-forgiveness, letting go of the past, the good, and the bad - embracing the present. Stopping fears, and resistances, questioning myself and pushing myself to live a potential I can see within me, but that I never knew before how to nurture. That is because of Desteni supporting me to realize I am the only thing standing in my way to realizing what this life is about - and what is actually possibly in this Life. Without Desteni, I may have never realized I could make such a Decision to take control of my life, to be different, to change.

So one point here I can share about myself that I have Desteni to thank as a point of support is this point of being lazy, and not wanting to do what I would define as 'hard work'. I learned there is such a thing as living without emotional experiences, where you simply DO what is necessary to be DONE. That our internal experiences should not come before what is in our physical reality - and what is required of us HERE. That we have a responsibility to not only ourselves, but to others as well, and our environment and EVERYTHING that exists HERE. And in the past Decade with Desteni - Many have realized their responsibility, their potential, and their ability to respond in ways that are best for all. And i'm grateful everyday to have those living examples, and to dare myself to live a new example.

I have seen first have what is possible within walking this process - the potential existent within a human being, and we have only begun.



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24 May 2017

543: Realizations in Letting Go of a Dependency

**The most recent blogs, and ones to come are a few weeks old, as I have been writing, without publishing.

I have just completed a 21 day challenge of no coffee. I did it for myself - seeing how I had created a bit of dependency and love affair with coffee, acting as if I couldn't do without it, and so I made myself live without it, for 21 days at least.

The first few days were physically uncomfortable, though not unbearable. I did expect some discomfort, almost like letting go of a relationship you have depended on to always be there for you. That was the major point I saw in terms of who I was in relation to coffee, or rather how I defined coffee in relation to me... like a comfort, a friend, a companion I could always count on in the sense that it always tasted good, gave me a nice feeling, and so I trusted it. Though, there is a problem when we create such a relationship towards something like that externally from ourselves - it, as I mentioned, can create a dependency. Of course - you can see that something such as coffee, or anything really, as something trustworthy, or comforting, but it really boils down to who you are within it. For me - I 'needed' it, or at least I thought I did.

So I had to walk through letting go of that relationship - that comfort, and bring that word back to myself in terms of seeing how and where, and when I could live comfort for/as myself, and not needing it to exist in something outside of myself to give me that sense of comfort. When it's external, it's just an experience, it's not real in fact. The only thing we can really count on is ourselves, and if we are living comfort, as who we are, in what we do, and how we express, comfort is always with us, because it's who we are.

So that was a cool point.

Another aspect I found interesting was I walked the 21 days, and after the first 3 days, there was not much a challenge anymore. While I would have liked to have coffee, I was okay to be without it. It was nothing I anticipated, or expected, like I foresaw it as being this hard, troublesome experience I would really have to push through, and fight in a way, to not drink coffee.

But I did it, and I was fine. I was stable. It was no thing to say no, not now, not yet. I will go without it. And so I found that I had the expectation that is was going to be this long, arduous journey when in fact, I made a decision, and I walked that decision. Simple as that. It made me think of how much we create the ideas in our minds of not being able to give something up, or to live without something, or to change something about ourselves... that it would be the worst thing EVER and so we avoid stopping, or changing simply because we want to avoid the experience we fear. But it's a fear, and fears are made to be walked through.

Are you wanting to change something, start something new, stop a bad habit, or practice a new discipline but you FEAR the experience of stepping outside of your comfort zone? Well may I suggest to stop feeding the fears as if they are valid, and consider you wont know actually how it will go until you physically do it. May not be as bad as you think. And then - you have the reward of challenging yourself.

Challenges don't have to be hard, or difficult, or uncomfortable. They are simple a dare to ourselves to expand, change, and step out of a limited version of ourselves. And you know - challenges may be hard, you may in fact face the most difficult, uncomfortable experience of your life in changing/stopping a habit... but at least you will start facing the truth of yourself, and the dependency you've created on something other than you. That alone is worth taking a look at.




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15 May 2017

542: Emotional vs Practical Decision Making

Recently I had a decision to make wherein the choice before me was pretty clear. I made the pros and cons list and could see one decision what practically, physically best for me, and the other was remaining the same. Despite seeing this there was a fear to make the 'better choice.' I was afraid of how my decision would impact others, assuming it would be for the worst. I was afraid of them getting upset with me because I was changing/moving on, and not staying in the same place. And if I were to allow this fear to grow and manifest as making that decision, I would have only compromised myself and others as well.

How often do we make decisions based on emotions such as fear, then what is practically best for us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by emotions when making decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, despite seeing what could be practically best for me, lean towards another direction due to an emotion of fear within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision that is best for me due to worrying about how others will see me/think of me, and for me perhaps putting someone else in an uncertain position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more concerned with how someone will react to my decision of making a change, than the actual change that could potentially be best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to make a decision based on emotional rather than what is physically most practical, and best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's better for me to protect, and hide from a fear that keeps me in a comfort zone as to not have to face it/walk through it, than make a practical decision to change direction and thus creating a new environment for myself that could open up doors of opportunity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather decide on something that will allow me to avoid facing a fear, then walking through a fear to reap greater rewards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how emotions play a role in my decision making and the consequence that creates for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I've allowed emotions to play a role in my decision making

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather compromise myself then face a fear of how others might respond to me - fearing they will not respond well to any changes I make that could be good for me, within this only seeing it could be bad for them and so assume they will not be happy with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that any changes that I make within my life, and that effect others, will only be bad

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that perhaps in me doing what is best for me, I am also doing what is best for others/all

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself see, realize, and understand the interconnectedness of life, wherein who I am and what I do has an effect on those around me and so within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the more ideal outcome would be for me to act within principles of self-honesty, responsibility, and self-development where in pushing myself to face my fears, and not cower from them to just hide in a comfort zone that compromises me and limits me - thus this being an example for others, instead of living an utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that perhaps in my standing up for my own well being as what is best for me, practically, and in self-honesty, I am supporting others equally to stand up within their own self-honesty - where when I change, others have the change and thus I am taking responsibility for the impact I have in this world, as it is not only on myself - it's on those around me

When and as I see myself moving away from a decision that is most practical, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that if I am not embracing practicality of life, working directly with the physical, then I am influenced by some emotion or feeling and so I commit myself to investigate what is directing me when I'm not allowing myself to direct myself physically, practically and to remove the emotions or feelings with self-forgiveness to clear my seeing as the direction that is best for me

When and as I see myself fearing to face my fears and use this as an excuse to not make the most practical decision, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to run from my fears keeps me the same, and there is no growth in remaining within fear and so I commit myself to embrace the fears, and face them head on with the tools I have to support myself to do so - writing, self-honesty, self-responsibility, and self-forgiveness, and common sense

When and as I see myself fearing to make others unhappy through making a decision that is practically best for me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I have the tendency to assume the worst, and am influenced by the idea that me changing is bad for others and so I commit myself to live the realization that I better serve and support others when I am self-honest with myself, and directing myself and my life in ways that are practically best for me and I am supporting others to do the same



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541: Comfort in Coffee

Not too long ago I challenged myself to 21 days of no coffee. It was a success in that I committed to the 21 days, and walked the 21 days without any coffee. And I say it was a success because it revealed deeper dimensions of the relationship I've created towards and with coffee, thus supporting me to see where I'm still existing in something separate from me - looking for something outside of me to fulfill me.

The following is self-forgiveness for a particular dimension I saw within me in my need for coffee - and that was the word comfort. The problem with defining something outside of yourself as your source of something, in this case comfort, is you are then always a slave and dependent upon that external thing to give to you that point (comfort) you are looking for. The reason for self-forgiveness, is to GIVE to yourself what you look for outside of yourself. So here, realizing comfort can be who I am - not something I must find outside of myself. And in doing so - you are free... never needing something to give to you what you are more than capable of giving to yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss drinking coffee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define drinking coffee as a comfort and thus miss the experience of being comforted when drinking coffee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word comfort - to exist within drinking coffee, as an external action, rather than within and as who I am and so when I remove coffee from my life, I think and believe I am removing the point of comfort from my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe coffee is the only point in which I can experience comfort in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive energy charge to the word comfort and so seek it out in things I define as comforting, such as coffee

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live the word comfort as who I am and thus no longer need or require to seek it outside of myself but rather have it be an extension, and expression of who I am as a living action

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empty without coffee, as a point of my comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define coffee as a positive experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within what I can drink - defining coffee as the best thing, and the most comforting thing and so limit myself from trying other beverages, or even considering other beverages

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what my body would like as a beverage due to me limiting myself in what I will drink - defining coffee as the only option for me, instead of considering what options would best support my physical body

When and as I see myself missing drinking coffee, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that what I am actually missing is an energetic experience of comfort that I've separated myself from and so I commit myself to in such a moment, breathe, and bring myself back to me here, in/as my body, and find the comfort in/as my body - where I am, what's around me, the sights, the sounds, and the breathing of my body that is equal to what's around me - finding comfort in my presence, my awareness, and myself as directive principle to no longer need something outside of me to feel something, and rather ignite that within myself and thus express it as who I am - never without it

When and as I see myself limiting myself in what I drink as giving myself only coffee, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in such an application, I have not considered what my body would like, and only instead remained within a habit of what I know, and what I know I like and so I commit myself to expand myself in what I will drink - considering other options, as well as checking in with my body to see what will best support me as my body in such a moment



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14 May 2017

540: How I Deal with Dis-Ease

Often times when I get a headaches I resist the experience. I want it to quickly be done with. I want to take something to get rid of the pain, I want to simply avoid the experience all together. It's like I want to hide from it, in fear of it, not willing to stand in the dis-ease of a headache. But what I've learned over the past few years is that headaches I generally create myself. When I am emotional, or reactive in some way, and my body fills with energy the after effect is like a clogging and fogginess build up, and will usually manifest in/as a headache. Or if I'm over-thinking about something - not telling myself stop and rest, but constantly consuming thoughts about something, constantly busy within my mind, I will also get a headache. Almost like the body forcing me with pain to see what I'm doing, and to get me to stop for a moment.

But instead of looking at what the reactions were, or what I'm continually mulling over in my head, and so how I participated in energy to create the dis-comfort, I want to just get rid of the pain - not allowing myself to realize the gift the pain is showing me as directly reflecting who I am as what I accept and allow within/as me - the actual effect I have on my body - what I am actually creating from who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist headaches as a fear of pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the pain of a headache as thinking and believing it over-powers me, and I have no control within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have no power within/as a headache instead of realizing I created it, and so I can change it

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the more I resist/fight the head ache - the worst I am making the experience

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to take responsibility for the pains in my body as the source of it's creation and realizing the body is not in pain at random - there is a cause, and I contribute to that cause

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body to the extent where I think and believe headaches and pains happen in the body at random as if the body exists as it's own entity, existing separate from me, doing it's own thing instead of realizing I am the one dwelling within/as my body, me, and thus who I am and how I live directly effects the state and condition of my body and thus again I forgive myself that I have not yet in all ways taken absolute self-responsibility for the state and condition of my body as an extension of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as the pain of my physical body through medication instead of investigating the cause of the pain/problem, and not just treat the symptom

When and as I see myself resisting/fearing pain in/as my body, such as a headache and wanting to just take a pill to get rid of it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the responsibility I have to within/as the state and condition of my physical body being a direct reflection/outflow/extension of who I am and how I live, and is not a separate entity existing independently from me and so I commit myself to in moments of developing a headache, instead of resisting it, take it into writing if the moment is available for it - and investigate who I've been that would produce pain in the head, or elsewhere, and apply self-forgiveness for things I see I've accepted and allowed. And I also commit myself to if the moment for writing is not available, to support the physical body in the meantime, even with pills if that's necessary, but to also flag this moment to investigate later when I have the time

I commit myself to create a starting point of dealing with pain in the body to be about self-discovery and self-purification and not suppression as just making it go away with a pill





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